MID-40’s

There is something about your mid-40s.

I sit here, somewhere between 45 and 50, and find myself rethinking my entire life. Not because everything is wrong. Not because I’m unhappy. But because for the first time, I feel like I can see clearly.

And sometimes I wonder: if I had this mindset when I was younger, this knowing, this self-awareness, this love for myself, would I have allowed certain people into my life? Would I have stayed in situations that never truly served me? Would I have spent so much time trying to earn things that were never mine to earn?

What is it about being in your mid-40s that makes you stop and ask:

Why am I doing this?

Why am I here?

Why am I still allowing certain things into my life?

For the first time, I find myself wanting less—not because I’ve given up, but because I’ve finally figured out what matters.

I don’t know that I care about being someone’s love interest anymore.

I don’t feel incomplete without a relationship.

I don’t need someone to validate me.

I don’t need someone to pour into my cup.

I want to pour into my own cup.

And the strange thing is, I’ve been practicing that for years.

Maybe because somewhere deep down, I learned early that I couldn’t depend on someone else to do it for me.

Maybe it came from growing up around emotionally unavailable adults. Maybe it came from spending a lifetime regulating my emotions to make other people comfortable.

I learned how to swallow disappointment.

How to manage anger.

How to quiet sadness.

How to soften my truth so it wouldn’t hurt someone else.

I became an expert at emotional regulation.

But sometimes I wonder: who taught me that my emotions were the ones that always needed managing?

What happens when you’ve spent decades holding everything together?

Where does all that unsaid truth go?

And then one day, in your mid-40s, something shifts.

You realize that all the things you thought you were supposed to want don’t matter anymore.

The house.

The white picket fence.

The backyard.

The parties.

The image.

The performance.

The checklist.

You wake up one day and realize you don’t want any of it.

Not because you’re bitter.

Not because you’re broken.

But because you’ve finally become honest.

What I want now is peace.

A space where I can be 100% myself.

A life where I don’t have to explain who I am.

A life where I don’t need permission to exist exactly as I am.

Sometimes I imagine standing alone in the middle of an empty town, like the end of I Am Legend. No expectations. No obligations. No audience. No one to call. No one to impress.

Just me.

And the feeling isn’t loneliness.

It’s freedom.

It’s completeness.

It’s loving myself enough to know that I am already whole.

There is something about this season of life that makes you start shedding attachments.

Social media.

Friendships that no longer fit.

Relationships built on obligation.

Ideas about success.

Ideas about love.

Ideas about who you’re supposed to be.

One by one, they fall away.

And what’s left is the truth.

The only thing I truly want is for my daughter to grow up knowing something I had to learn the hard way:

Love yourself first.

Know your worth.

Teach people how to treat you.

And never accept less than what you deserve.

I think about how different my life might have been if I had known that at 20.

Maybe I would have become this version of myself sooner.

Maybe I wouldn’t have spent years chasing things that were never meant for me.

But maybe every lesson was necessary.

Maybe this version of me could only arrive now.

Because there is something about your mid-40s.

One day you wake up, and the fear of being alone disappears.

The need to prove yourself disappears.

The need to settle disappears.

And in its place is something far more powerful:

The unwavering belief that if something isn’t aligned with your peace, your purpose, and your self-respect, you can simply walk away.

And for the first time in your life, walking away doesn’t feel like loss.

It feels like coming home to yourself.

Transitions

Transition is always hard, no matter how you look at it.  Anytime you’re transitioning from one situation to another there’s a lot of packing and unpacking. You have a decision that needs to be made. There are logistics that have to be figured out, and it’s not always easy to move through it, in a positive way. It’s uncomfortable to say the least. We all sometimes live in a state of comfort. We operate in that space daily. Then, something comes to interrupt that comfort. It’s our job to figure out how to stick with it and not let it affect our daily flow.

I’ve been recovering for a minute now, and I won’t rehash all of that. However, what I’m realizing is that I’m more irritable these days, and I’ll snap a lot quicker than usual. It’s like, I’m in this transitional period but have no idea what I’m transitioning to. I don’t have any idea how this molding and stretching will turn out. What fruits will it bear, and how will I be different? There’s no way to know. What I’m learning through this process is that I don’t just have to give up. For example, I used to be a quitter. If I didn’t like someone or something, I was done with it, and I’d wipe my hands and move on, without another word. This was true of jobs, relationships, friendships–you name it. I don’t deal well with being uncomfortable. I know it’s a running joke to just “cut people off,” but it isn’t always the healthiest way to handle things. Just because things may be a little off for a minute doesn’t mean you just give up and move on. Sometimes we have to sit in it and learn how to make it better.

So, here I am now, recovering and healing, physically. I now have to face a depression diagnosis (which really wasn’t a surprise). I have to face this. I didn’t expect to have to deal with this as well, but here I am. While I don’t like it, ignoring it or burying my head would just make the issues worse. This isn’t at all what I expected, especially at this point in my life. I have to lean into the mess that it is. I know, it’s daunting. It’s daunting to think about the many things we face each day, and we have to work through all of it, while being parents, significant others, working, and trying to have a bit of a social life. Where is there time to do any other work? That part has to be figured out in the best and healthiest way for each one of us. We have to be gentle with ourselves.

Healing

This blog has not been edited. I just needed to get this out

I’m all over the place. While I am physically healed I have a lot of mental and emotional healing to do. That’s going to take some time. I came out of this dreadful situation with my life and I am beyond grateful to God for that. However, I am not completely happy. I don’t feel like I have anything together. I feel like its all falling apart. I have often felt throughout this year that I can handle it all. That all is fine and if I keep moving, praying ad getting out of the house then I will be okay. That tricked worked for a year and now it is all catching up to me.

One year ago, this cancer journey started for me. If you didn’t know, now you do, and you can read further over on the blog. This month last year I had my first and only chemo round and it almost caused me to lose my life. You don’t just move through that swiftly. You don’t just get over it. I feel like I have moved through the gratefulness of being alive. I even went through the angry as hell stage. Now I am just in the sad as hell stage. I feel like I am grieving and I am not sure what I am grieving but I do know it is more than one thing. I feel like sleeping my days away because I can hardly find the energy to do much. If you see me out; I was fighting really hard that day. Ultimately, I have decided that I have some work to do. I need to do some root work; some soul work. I have avoided it because it will cause me to have to really look at myself and decide to talk to someone other than myself to figure this out. Which means I will have to be vulnerable and stripped bare.

So last week I went in for a sick visit to my doctor and turns out I have an ear infection. You know how some doctors just ask you what you need, run some tests and send you on your way? Not my doctor. She gets all in your business. She asked about all aspects of my life. She, knowing me, told me that I was not doing well and that I wasn’t myself. Its weird hearing someone else tell you exactly how your feeling. It was great to unload everything onto someone who is not affected by life whatsoever. I think I probably took about 30 minutes of time away from another patient but when it started coming out I couldn’t stop. I am relieved to not be holding in all of these feelings any longer.

My doctor insisted I join a local exercise program for breast cancer survivors. I was hesitant. I have refused to do anything breast cancer related or with the name attached. No walks, no t-shirts, no slogans. To me, it sort of feels like I am claiming it and making it my life. I know thats not the case but that is how I feel. This program is for those who are currently in treatment or post-treatment and they meet to work out twice a week. I decided to join. My first session is soon. I have to stay that I am kind of excited. Maybe being around others who have been through the same will do some good. My doctor also referred me for therapy due to a diagnosis of depression. (I am okay, I do not intend to harm myself or anyone else. Depression comes in many forms). Counseling is my background so I know the benefits. Its just so hard to commit to especially when you are meeting a new therapist. Since she was a referral I feel a little at ease about that part. It’s just hard to have to sit in this. I just want all of this feeling to go away. I guess that’s how I deal with everything. I compartmentalize and keep pushing through. Now I have to work through it and not just deal with it.

I need to find out what makes me happy. Healing isn’t easy but if I want to be truly happy it has to happen. So, I will be hard at work this summer on myself. Working through all these feelings. My self-care Sundays will be put on hold while I care for myself.

Peace and Love Y’all

The Rain Tells Stories

Short Story

Morning is my favorite time, especially early in the morning, when it’s close to dawn but still dark. My favorite times are the days I don’t have to get out of bed. I can lay in bed, when it’s still dark, and listen to the rain. The rain beats heavily down upon the roof of my house. The lightning lights up the sky. The thunder rolls in such perfect synchrony. It’s like it’s rehearsed. It all makes me feel safe. It makes me feel safe from another day of routine. The daily stresses are not present, and it’s as if I’m in another world. Every time I wake up to a storm, such as this, it tells me a new story. It feels like the whole world is being washed away, like it’s being cleansed. It feels like new beginnings are happening around me, even though I can’t see them. I just sit and listen. It whispers to me things that I’ve imagined or envisioned, and this time, they’re real. I’m alone with my thoughts of leaving this town and who I could possibly be someday. I’m not running from anything. My parents have given me a good life, but I want something more than a small town in the South.

Today, it rained all day. That made me happy. Some people think rainy days are dreary; I think they’re beautiful. There have been days when I was angry the sun was out, and it wasn’t raining. Especially in summer. Every time we have a storm, my mama makes me stay indoors.

“You’re not going out in that rain,” she yells from the kitchen, as I stand looking out the front door.

“You just got your hair done, and I didn’t pay good money for it to frizz up in this weather,” she continues.

If I had it my way, I’d be dancing in the rain. I’d run down to the lake that sits in the middle of town that separates the haves from the have nots. The lake, besides the rain, has been my solace, since I was little. It always made me feel a sense of calm, just like the rain did. Once the storm was over, I ran as fast as I could to the lake. The water dripping from the trees into the water was a beautiful sight to see.

As I was off in wonder, sitting on the bench, I heard a voice from behind me:

“You shouldn’t be out here, alone, you know? Being a girl and all.”

I turn around and see a brown skinned young man behind me. He looked a little older than me. He was handsome, but you could tell he was a little rough around the edges. His clothes weren’t as neat or nearly as preppy as mine were. He must have come from the other side of the lake. I’ve never seen him on this side before. I had half of a mind to curse at him and send him on his way, but I was curious about him. Why is he here? I said to myself. I also didn’t want to put myself in any danger.

“Who are you and what did you say? Something about me being a girl”? I asked with an attitude. “And why is it any of your business?”

He laughed. He had a nice smile.

Every Saturday that spring and summer, we met at the lake, just to talk. He would always sit next to me on the bench and say, “What story did the rain tell you this time, Sadie?” We would talk about how different our lives were. I would talk about my hopes and dreams, and he would listen. I once asked him if he had any hopes and dreams.

“To stay alive” he answered.

I shared everything with him. He never told me much about himself. All I knew was that he was from the other side of the lake. He didn’t go to school often, and he had to “do what he had to do to survive.” I asked him if that meant doing things that were illegal. He didn’t respond. He was being raised by his older brother. He’s never known his dad, and his mom ran off years ago. He said it so matter-of-factly. It was as if it didn’t affect him.

“Does it bother you that you don’t have parents,” I asked one Saturday, as we sat together, eating sunflower seeds.

He shrugged and replied “Not really. We alright, I guess.”

I could never wrap my mind around how someone growing up in such a condition wouldn’t dream of a better life. As I grew older and wiser, I understood that maybe he wasn’t brought up to dream. Maybe he never knew what it felt like to dream.

One day I received some great news. I found out I got into an all girl’s college up north. I couldn’t wait to see my friend again this weekend, to tell him the good news.

That Saturday I went to the lake, but he wasn’t there. I figured maybe he would show up at some point. I just sat, feeling the breeze, and thinking about all the wonderful things I would do at college next year. I couldn’t wait to tell him. Even though he never had much to say, he enjoyed listening to me talk about my life. Hours had passed, and I realized he wasn’t going to show. I wasn’t sure if I felt sad or let down, but I was sure worried. I continued to go to the lake every Saturday for the rest of that summer, before I left for college. Each time I went, I waited for him to show, but he never did. I didn’t know where he lived or even his last name. I wouldn’t know where to begin to look, even if I could. Maybe he ran off in search of another life, or worse, he got caught doing “whatever he had to do.”

Soon, I left for college and had all those wonderful experiences I had dreamed of. I still loved the rain and still found spots in the city where the rain would whisper stories to me. I often thought about my friend at the lake and what his life was like now.

After I graduated from college and decided to attend graduate school in Washington, D.C., I went home to visit with mama and daddy for the summer, before my life got too busy. The day I arrived home it was a very hot 90 degrees out. As much as I loved the North, I missed the warm weather of the South. Later, after dinner, a storm came through. Much like when I was younger, I stood at the door, watching the rain fall. My mom yelled from the kitchen “I guess since you’re so against a press and curl now, it doesn’t matter if you run out in that rain or not!” She doesn’t agree with my choice to stop pressing my hair. “You’re right, mama, it will look just the same,” I replied with a light laugh. As soon as the rain slowed down, I ran down to the lake to watch the drops from the trees land in the water. I came upon the bench I sat on many times over my life, to sit and listen to the story the rain was going to tell. There was a man there. He was brown skinned, tall, and muscular. He stood and turned toward me. He was a little older and a little more handsome. He looked like life had hardened him a bit. He was dressed neatly and had a slight smile. I smiled. He then said, “What story did the rain tell you this time, Sadie”?

Wanderlust

It’s another sleepless night for me. Laying here, next to my husband, who is sleeping so soundly, all I hear is the wind and minor traffic from outside. I lay here awake, envisioning what my life will look like a year from now. Not in relation to the diagnosis; I’ll let God handle that. What about the rest of my life? My social life? My professional life? I find myself often questioning if this is what I want to do with the rest of my life? Does this feed my soul? I don’t know. I feel like there’s another me, living parallel to the world I’m living in. She’s living in an adventure. She’s proving herself to herself. She’s living out her wildest dreams. There’s this pull I feel, like there’s something else out there for me. I’m unsure of what it is. Maybe it’s a hobby; maybe it’s a life change. I can’t touch it, but I know it’s there. It’s kind of like the me in this world is driving on an open road without traffic. I’m the only one on the road, and I don’t have a destination. I’m just driving. It’s peaceful. No background noise and plenty of neo-soul; but I’m completely unsure of the next road to take or the destination.

For the past six months, I’ve been in this constant state of wonder. Wondering who I am now? What should I do now? In 2019, I’m turning the big 40, and it’s somewhat a scary thing. When I was much younger, I had this timetable. I knew what I was going to do. By 40, I expected to have everything together and be living my best life (literally) without problems. I never thought about the dips and tumbles along the way because when you’re 20, you’re invincible, and the world is wide open. It’s not that at almost 40 my life isn’t wide open. I just feel that every step I take now needs to be meaningful and have a purpose. I’m becoming reclusive. On weekends, I find myself staying in the house to block out any extra noise. Not that I’m withdrawing from people, I just feel as though my focus doesn’t need to be on anything that isn’t a priority. Right now, outside of family and work, I don’t lend everything my attention. I’ve decided that for 2019 I’ll take a long overdue break from social media. Endless scrolling doesn’t feed my mind, as much as I’d tell myself it does. It’s needless; however, I do find interesting topics to write about.

Millions of people out there are having the same thoughts I’m having. Wishing for life to be something; wishing that life wasn’t what it is. As humans, we’re always evolving. There’s always something in our lives that will bring us to the next thing and to the next. I’m unsure if everyone finds their “thing,” their purpose, and lives it out forever. What I do know is that I’m awake, again, and at an ungodly hour, listening to my husband sleep soundly and to the light traffic from outside. This time there’s no wind. I feel less stressed about finding my “thing” or my purpose. I’m settling in to the fact that maybe I have a need to explore my wanderlust.

Lemons and Lemonade

On the other side of cancer, it looks crazy. While things are finally settling and looking up…things still look crazy. Many of you that know me well, or have read my blog, are aware of my diagnosis. If not, please check out the tagged related posts.

I was quite optimistic if I must say so myself. I tried my hardest not to let this diagnosis get me down or take me to a dark place. I knew what my plan was, and I was working closely with my team to ensure that I would beat this. Then, the bottom fell out. One week after my first and only round of chemo, I ended up in the ER, where doctors diagnosed me with Sepsis, MRSA, and Pneumonia. I was in septic shock and admitted to ICU. I don’t even know how long I was there before I woke up. I only remember waking up a day before doctors moved me to the Clinical Decision Unit. You know how nurses ask you your name and birthday before they give you a medication? I had to look at my husband or my father for the answer. I am not even sure which one of them was there that time. I just know it was one of them.

I was in ICU until the end of June. I hadn’t seen my child in 20 days. I can’t even imagine what she must have been thinking. She didn’t know I was in the hospital at first, and I didn’t want her to see me in that state. I had lost 40 lbs. in those 20 days, so you can imagine how that may have been frightening. I spoke with her over the phone, and it definitely brightened my days. After going home, there was a lot of recovery. I had home health, physical therapy, and a nurse that came to my home for a month after my release. It was hard. I had to learn to walk on my own again; I was using a walker to get around. I had no core strength at all, so I could barely sit up on my own. After all of the medication and the chemo still in my body at this point, food tasted gross, and I could barely keep anything down. Imagine the frustration of all of that. I had a PICC line in my arm, once I left the hospital, so that I could give myself antibiotics on a daily basis to ensure the MRSA would not come back. I also left the hospital with a Foley catheter on my leg. Those of you that know what that is, you know it is only the devil. The worst! However, after the doctors telling my family that they weren’t sure I would make it through the first night, I thank God that I’m alive!

Doctors’ appointments became the norm for us. It definitely wasn’t the summer I had planned. Most of our days we were heading from one follow up or another. Finally, I met with my primary care physician and asked for a referral to a new breast surgeon and oncologist. My husband and father FIRED my entire team of doctors. I don’t know where the fault lies in what happened to me, or if it lies anywhere, but I needed a team that I knew I could trust. I also knew I needed a team I chose not based on emotion and fear. I now have a new team, and I went through my surgery. The doctors only found a less than 2 cm tumor, and nothing affected my lymph nodes. Thank, God. I will have to have radiation, and I am beyond cool with that. I finally had an appointment with a new oncologist who gave me two choices for long-term treatment, regarding prevention. I chose and left the office with my husband and completely lost it in the parking lot. Why didn’t doctors give me choices the first time? Why was the first team so aggressive with my treatment? Those were the questions that went through my mind. Could I have avoided this situation? I almost lost my life. Is it wrong to have questions?

I know that I may never have an answer to that question. That’s okay. I can’t live wondering about it for the rest of my life. I can enjoy the fact that I have a second chance to live. I am still recovering and have some residual aches and pains from the sepsis, nothing damaging. I am back at work and I am so happy. I missed my work family. Each day is truly new for me.

Peace and Love

Alisa

Health Update

Heeeeeyyyy!

​​I am just writing to give y’all a quick update. It has been a very eventful month. I have been to probably about 20 doctor appointments over the last month since I have been diagnosed. Through it all I continue to pray and lean on God. It is the only way I am getting through it. I have a supportive family who has been by my side the entire time and a work family. They have been more like family through :).

So, on to my update. The cancer is confined to my breast. There are other small masses in my breast other than the one we already know to be cancer. It is the most common cancer and per my hormone receptors, will respond well to treatments. The others are unknown and since I am having surgery to remove and reconstruct both breasts, I am not having them biopsied. However, I will go through chemo for four months. I had the choice of before and after. I have chosen to have it before. I will have surgery one month after my final chemo treatment. I want my surgery to be the end of this process. I will most likely start chemo by the end of this month. Next Friday I will have my port put in. Please send me recommendations on books to read or Netflix shows to watch. I will have some extra time on my hands.

Thank you for the well wishes, prayers, kind words and positive vibes that you all send. It really helps to know that I have people in my corner. Also thank you for understanding that I needed to get my journey out through my blog. Having to contact everyone I know individually is a hard thing to do. Aside from parents and siblings, I had other family members spread this news. If you know me well, you understand and accept that.

It has only been one month and it feels like a lifetime. My team of physicians have moved very quickly on this. They expect a full recovery and of course I will be on maintenance medications for a while afterwards. I understand that everyone has their views on cancer medications, what they do and what they don’t. I have full faith in God on my decision. My husband and I took our time to look over my pathology, biopsy, CT results and the unknown of the other masses in my breast. We prayed and we made the decision that is best for me and my health. I appreciate the concern, but I cannot take the feelings of anyone else into account. Thank you for respecting that.

Thank you all for being so supportive. I will continue to update but only through my blog.

Peace and Love

The diagnosis

I have breast cancer.

Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma. It took me a few days to deal with that diagnosis. At first, I was okay. I said I was okay. I felt I could deal with this. I told my parents and siblings and let them know that I was fine. I felt okay because I know I am going to get through this. My family, however, is not okay. They are scared and stressed as one could imagine. I kept telling myself everything is fine, and that this too shall pass and everything will be normal. A few days later I came to the realization that it’s not.

Over the weekend I started to feel the heaviness of this diagnosis. I started to think about all the what ifs and how comes. Shortly after, I went to my follow up appointment with my surgeon, who had my MRI results. There were more calcifications in the same breast (no bigger than the one we know to be cancer). The left breast is completely fine. It was in that moment that I felt an enormous tug. That’s the only way to explain it. It was a tug on my stomach, heart, and my whole body, all at once; and it was overwhelming. My mother in law and my husband were in the room as well. I could see that my husband needed to process this. My mother in law, thank God she was there because she asked all of the right questions, when I couldn’t get out a word. My mind went to so many worse case scenarios in like 10 seconds. I left the appointment feeling angry, sad, and frustrated.

This is a lot to process as you can imagine. I often deal with things by burying them. I don’t reflect on my feelings about hard situations. I just keep moving. This situation isn’t allowing me to do that. God isn’t allowing me to do that. I am being forced to face this in a way that is uncomfortable for me. I have to talk to people about this. I have to feel, talk, cry, and scream, and sometimes all at the same time. I am slowly learning to be vulnerable because this isn’t something I can just fix. I can’t take a pill and have life go on as normal. Something tells me that God doesn’t like the way I live my normal life, and through this He is getting me to my purpose. Who knows?

I am learning to keep my circle very tight. I cannot be around a lot of noise. Sometimes there are so many people talking and giving you advice and your space becomes so loud. I had to close mine to a very select group of people, who I know have my best interest at heart. They give me soul-fuel; they help me to keep my soul full. Whether it’s a text to check on me or sending me a scripture to read, they are all I need right now.

As for my process, I have chosen to have a double mastectomy with reconstruction. My surgeon has also done the genetic testing, due to my age. I am doing better today, emotionally. I feel supported and I take all of my feelings to God before anyone else. I am being honest with myself about how I feel. This allows me to be honest with the world. I don’t have it all together and I am still a work in progress. This diagnosis doesn’t mean life stops; it doesn’t mean I am to sit and dwell. It means I need to face it, head on, pray, and keep it moving.

Thank you all for your texts, messages, and calls for well wishes. Thank you for your continued prayers for me and my family.

Peace and Love

How it All Started

It Was Only God

There has never been a time in my life when I have been more certain that God exists than I am right now.

I’ve always believed. I’ve had moments throughout my life when I knew there was no explanation other than Him. Moments when doors opened that shouldn’t have, when protection showed up unexpectedly, or when peace arrived in situations that should have broken me. But this season has reminded me in a way I can’t ignore that God is always present, even in the moments that scare us the most.

Two weeks ago, I walked into my bathroom and noticed a few drops of blood. At first, I couldn’t figure out where they were coming from. As I looked closer, I realized they were coming from my right breast. Panic immediately set in.

I called my husband into the bathroom, and together we tried to figure out what was happening. The bleeding stopped almost as quickly as it started, and we never saw it happen again. Still, I knew something wasn’t right.

The next morning, I called my doctor’s office so early that the answering service picked up. After explaining what had happened, the nurse scheduled me to come in first thing Monday morning.

My OB/GYN, who also delivered my daughter, is one of those doctors everyone hopes to find. She listens. She cares. She treats me like a person, not a chart.

After a thorough clinical breast exam, she told me everything felt normal. She couldn’t feel any lumps or abnormalities. Still, she looked at me and said, “Everything feels normal, but I’m sending you for a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound as soon as possible. This could be nothing, but we don’t want to miss anything.”

A week later, I found myself at the breast center.

Everyone there was incredible. Honestly, it felt more like a spa than a medical facility. Again, I was asked if I had a family history of breast cancer.

“No,” I replied.

The mammogram itself wasn’t painful, although the nipple discharge appeared again during the procedure. Then came the ultrasound.

As the technician continued scanning, I began to sense something was different. She spent a long time focused on one specific area and captured image after image. When she finished, the radiologist came in to review the results with me.

There it was.

A small mass in my right breast, a little over a centimeter in size.

The radiologist spoke with a calm, reassuring voice that I desperately needed in that moment. She explained that it could be benign, but that more testing was necessary. Within days, I was scheduled for a biopsy.

By the time I arrived at the surgeon’s office, I wasn’t sure what to expect. What I found was another incredible team.

The surgeon had me laughing so hard before the procedure that I nearly forgot why I was there. She was warm, straightforward, knowledgeable, and compassionate all at once. During the biopsy, she explained every step of the process while I watched the images on the screen.

At one point, she shared something that has stayed with me.

She told me that because of where the mass was located, it likely would not have been found through a physical exam. It was too deep to feel.

Then she said, “Luckily, you had the nipple discharge. If you hadn’t, we probably wouldn’t have found this for another couple of years.”

That statement hit me hard.

I have no family history of breast cancer.

I have no lump that can be felt.

I’m not even at the age when routine screening mammograms are recommended.

Had it not been for those few drops of blood, I may not have known anything was wrong until much later.

That’s why I keep saying it was only God.

I know everyone has their own beliefs, and I respect that. But for me, there is no other explanation. Those few drops of blood may have looked like a frightening inconvenience, but they could very well have been a blessing. A warning. A gift.

I don’t know what my biopsy results will say yet. By the time you read this, I may still be waiting.

What I do know is this: whatever happens next, God is already there.

That doesn’t mean I’m never scared.

I’ve had moments of anxiety. Moments of frustration. Moments where I’ve thought, “Really? One more thing?”

But every time I start to spiral, I remind myself of all the things that are going right.

I have an incredible husband who has stood beside me every step of the way.

I have a mother who has been my constant support.

I have friends who check on me, pray for me, and remind me that I am not walking through this alone.

And I have faith.

Faith that whatever the outcome, God has me.

As I wait for answers, I want to leave you with this:

Advocate for yourself.

Find doctors who listen.

Find providers who treat you with compassion and respect.

Pay attention to your body.

Don’t dismiss something simply because it seems small or unusual.

You know your body better than anyone else.

Build relationships with your healthcare providers. Ask questions. Seek second opinions when necessary. Be an active participant in your own healthcare journey.

Most importantly, don’t ignore the things that feel off.

Sometimes the smallest signs can make the biggest difference.

When I have my results and feel ready to share more, I’ll provide an update.

Until then, I welcome your prayers, positive thoughts, and encouragement. If I don’t answer every phone call, please understand that retelling the story repeatedly can be emotionally exhausting.

For now, I’m choosing faith over fear.

And I’m trusting that the same God who allowed me to see those few drops of blood is the same God who will walk with me through whatever comes next.