MID-40’s

There is something about your mid-40s.

I sit here, somewhere between 45 and 50, and find myself rethinking my entire life. Not because everything is wrong. Not because I’m unhappy. But because for the first time, I feel like I can see clearly.

And sometimes I wonder: if I had this mindset when I was younger, this knowing, this self-awareness, this love for myself, would I have allowed certain people into my life? Would I have stayed in situations that never truly served me? Would I have spent so much time trying to earn things that were never mine to earn?

What is it about being in your mid-40s that makes you stop and ask:

Why am I doing this?

Why am I here?

Why am I still allowing certain things into my life?

For the first time, I find myself wanting less—not because I’ve given up, but because I’ve finally figured out what matters.

I don’t know that I care about being someone’s love interest anymore.

I don’t feel incomplete without a relationship.

I don’t need someone to validate me.

I don’t need someone to pour into my cup.

I want to pour into my own cup.

And the strange thing is, I’ve been practicing that for years.

Maybe because somewhere deep down, I learned early that I couldn’t depend on someone else to do it for me.

Maybe it came from growing up around emotionally unavailable adults. Maybe it came from spending a lifetime regulating my emotions to make other people comfortable.

I learned how to swallow disappointment.

How to manage anger.

How to quiet sadness.

How to soften my truth so it wouldn’t hurt someone else.

I became an expert at emotional regulation.

But sometimes I wonder: who taught me that my emotions were the ones that always needed managing?

What happens when you’ve spent decades holding everything together?

Where does all that unsaid truth go?

And then one day, in your mid-40s, something shifts.

You realize that all the things you thought you were supposed to want don’t matter anymore.

The house.

The white picket fence.

The backyard.

The parties.

The image.

The performance.

The checklist.

You wake up one day and realize you don’t want any of it.

Not because you’re bitter.

Not because you’re broken.

But because you’ve finally become honest.

What I want now is peace.

A space where I can be 100% myself.

A life where I don’t have to explain who I am.

A life where I don’t need permission to exist exactly as I am.

Sometimes I imagine standing alone in the middle of an empty town, like the end of I Am Legend. No expectations. No obligations. No audience. No one to call. No one to impress.

Just me.

And the feeling isn’t loneliness.

It’s freedom.

It’s completeness.

It’s loving myself enough to know that I am already whole.

There is something about this season of life that makes you start shedding attachments.

Social media.

Friendships that no longer fit.

Relationships built on obligation.

Ideas about success.

Ideas about love.

Ideas about who you’re supposed to be.

One by one, they fall away.

And what’s left is the truth.

The only thing I truly want is for my daughter to grow up knowing something I had to learn the hard way:

Love yourself first.

Know your worth.

Teach people how to treat you.

And never accept less than what you deserve.

I think about how different my life might have been if I had known that at 20.

Maybe I would have become this version of myself sooner.

Maybe I wouldn’t have spent years chasing things that were never meant for me.

But maybe every lesson was necessary.

Maybe this version of me could only arrive now.

Because there is something about your mid-40s.

One day you wake up, and the fear of being alone disappears.

The need to prove yourself disappears.

The need to settle disappears.

And in its place is something far more powerful:

The unwavering belief that if something isn’t aligned with your peace, your purpose, and your self-respect, you can simply walk away.

And for the first time in your life, walking away doesn’t feel like loss.

It feels like coming home to yourself.

Transitions

Transition is always hard, no matter how you look at it.  Anytime you’re transitioning from one situation to another there’s a lot of packing and unpacking. You have a decision that needs to be made. There are logistics that have to be figured out, and it’s not always easy to move through it, in a positive way. It’s uncomfortable to say the least. We all sometimes live in a state of comfort. We operate in that space daily. Then, something comes to interrupt that comfort. It’s our job to figure out how to stick with it and not let it affect our daily flow.

I’ve been recovering for a minute now, and I won’t rehash all of that. However, what I’m realizing is that I’m more irritable these days, and I’ll snap a lot quicker than usual. It’s like, I’m in this transitional period but have no idea what I’m transitioning to. I don’t have any idea how this molding and stretching will turn out. What fruits will it bear, and how will I be different? There’s no way to know. What I’m learning through this process is that I don’t just have to give up. For example, I used to be a quitter. If I didn’t like someone or something, I was done with it, and I’d wipe my hands and move on, without another word. This was true of jobs, relationships, friendships–you name it. I don’t deal well with being uncomfortable. I know it’s a running joke to just “cut people off,” but it isn’t always the healthiest way to handle things. Just because things may be a little off for a minute doesn’t mean you just give up and move on. Sometimes we have to sit in it and learn how to make it better.

So, here I am now, recovering and healing, physically. I now have to face a depression diagnosis (which really wasn’t a surprise). I have to face this. I didn’t expect to have to deal with this as well, but here I am. While I don’t like it, ignoring it or burying my head would just make the issues worse. This isn’t at all what I expected, especially at this point in my life. I have to lean into the mess that it is. I know, it’s daunting. It’s daunting to think about the many things we face each day, and we have to work through all of it, while being parents, significant others, working, and trying to have a bit of a social life. Where is there time to do any other work? That part has to be figured out in the best and healthiest way for each one of us. We have to be gentle with ourselves.

The Rain Tells Stories

Short Story

Morning is my favorite time, especially early in the morning, when it’s close to dawn but still dark. My favorite times are the days I don’t have to get out of bed. I can lay in bed, when it’s still dark, and listen to the rain. The rain beats heavily down upon the roof of my house. The lightning lights up the sky. The thunder rolls in such perfect synchrony. It’s like it’s rehearsed. It all makes me feel safe. It makes me feel safe from another day of routine. The daily stresses are not present, and it’s as if I’m in another world. Every time I wake up to a storm, such as this, it tells me a new story. It feels like the whole world is being washed away, like it’s being cleansed. It feels like new beginnings are happening around me, even though I can’t see them. I just sit and listen. It whispers to me things that I’ve imagined or envisioned, and this time, they’re real. I’m alone with my thoughts of leaving this town and who I could possibly be someday. I’m not running from anything. My parents have given me a good life, but I want something more than a small town in the South.

Today, it rained all day. That made me happy. Some people think rainy days are dreary; I think they’re beautiful. There have been days when I was angry the sun was out, and it wasn’t raining. Especially in summer. Every time we have a storm, my mama makes me stay indoors.

“You’re not going out in that rain,” she yells from the kitchen, as I stand looking out the front door.

“You just got your hair done, and I didn’t pay good money for it to frizz up in this weather,” she continues.

If I had it my way, I’d be dancing in the rain. I’d run down to the lake that sits in the middle of town that separates the haves from the have nots. The lake, besides the rain, has been my solace, since I was little. It always made me feel a sense of calm, just like the rain did. Once the storm was over, I ran as fast as I could to the lake. The water dripping from the trees into the water was a beautiful sight to see.

As I was off in wonder, sitting on the bench, I heard a voice from behind me:

“You shouldn’t be out here, alone, you know? Being a girl and all.”

I turn around and see a brown skinned young man behind me. He looked a little older than me. He was handsome, but you could tell he was a little rough around the edges. His clothes weren’t as neat or nearly as preppy as mine were. He must have come from the other side of the lake. I’ve never seen him on this side before. I had half of a mind to curse at him and send him on his way, but I was curious about him. Why is he here? I said to myself. I also didn’t want to put myself in any danger.

“Who are you and what did you say? Something about me being a girl”? I asked with an attitude. “And why is it any of your business?”

He laughed. He had a nice smile.

Every Saturday that spring and summer, we met at the lake, just to talk. He would always sit next to me on the bench and say, “What story did the rain tell you this time, Sadie?” We would talk about how different our lives were. I would talk about my hopes and dreams, and he would listen. I once asked him if he had any hopes and dreams.

“To stay alive” he answered.

I shared everything with him. He never told me much about himself. All I knew was that he was from the other side of the lake. He didn’t go to school often, and he had to “do what he had to do to survive.” I asked him if that meant doing things that were illegal. He didn’t respond. He was being raised by his older brother. He’s never known his dad, and his mom ran off years ago. He said it so matter-of-factly. It was as if it didn’t affect him.

“Does it bother you that you don’t have parents,” I asked one Saturday, as we sat together, eating sunflower seeds.

He shrugged and replied “Not really. We alright, I guess.”

I could never wrap my mind around how someone growing up in such a condition wouldn’t dream of a better life. As I grew older and wiser, I understood that maybe he wasn’t brought up to dream. Maybe he never knew what it felt like to dream.

One day I received some great news. I found out I got into an all girl’s college up north. I couldn’t wait to see my friend again this weekend, to tell him the good news.

That Saturday I went to the lake, but he wasn’t there. I figured maybe he would show up at some point. I just sat, feeling the breeze, and thinking about all the wonderful things I would do at college next year. I couldn’t wait to tell him. Even though he never had much to say, he enjoyed listening to me talk about my life. Hours had passed, and I realized he wasn’t going to show. I wasn’t sure if I felt sad or let down, but I was sure worried. I continued to go to the lake every Saturday for the rest of that summer, before I left for college. Each time I went, I waited for him to show, but he never did. I didn’t know where he lived or even his last name. I wouldn’t know where to begin to look, even if I could. Maybe he ran off in search of another life, or worse, he got caught doing “whatever he had to do.”

Soon, I left for college and had all those wonderful experiences I had dreamed of. I still loved the rain and still found spots in the city where the rain would whisper stories to me. I often thought about my friend at the lake and what his life was like now.

After I graduated from college and decided to attend graduate school in Washington, D.C., I went home to visit with mama and daddy for the summer, before my life got too busy. The day I arrived home it was a very hot 90 degrees out. As much as I loved the North, I missed the warm weather of the South. Later, after dinner, a storm came through. Much like when I was younger, I stood at the door, watching the rain fall. My mom yelled from the kitchen “I guess since you’re so against a press and curl now, it doesn’t matter if you run out in that rain or not!” She doesn’t agree with my choice to stop pressing my hair. “You’re right, mama, it will look just the same,” I replied with a light laugh. As soon as the rain slowed down, I ran down to the lake to watch the drops from the trees land in the water. I came upon the bench I sat on many times over my life, to sit and listen to the story the rain was going to tell. There was a man there. He was brown skinned, tall, and muscular. He stood and turned toward me. He was a little older and a little more handsome. He looked like life had hardened him a bit. He was dressed neatly and had a slight smile. I smiled. He then said, “What story did the rain tell you this time, Sadie”?

Wanderlust

It’s another sleepless night for me. Laying here, next to my husband, who is sleeping so soundly, all I hear is the wind and minor traffic from outside. I lay here awake, envisioning what my life will look like a year from now. Not in relation to the diagnosis; I’ll let God handle that. What about the rest of my life? My social life? My professional life? I find myself often questioning if this is what I want to do with the rest of my life? Does this feed my soul? I don’t know. I feel like there’s another me, living parallel to the world I’m living in. She’s living in an adventure. She’s proving herself to herself. She’s living out her wildest dreams. There’s this pull I feel, like there’s something else out there for me. I’m unsure of what it is. Maybe it’s a hobby; maybe it’s a life change. I can’t touch it, but I know it’s there. It’s kind of like the me in this world is driving on an open road without traffic. I’m the only one on the road, and I don’t have a destination. I’m just driving. It’s peaceful. No background noise and plenty of neo-soul; but I’m completely unsure of the next road to take or the destination.

For the past six months, I’ve been in this constant state of wonder. Wondering who I am now? What should I do now? In 2019, I’m turning the big 40, and it’s somewhat a scary thing. When I was much younger, I had this timetable. I knew what I was going to do. By 40, I expected to have everything together and be living my best life (literally) without problems. I never thought about the dips and tumbles along the way because when you’re 20, you’re invincible, and the world is wide open. It’s not that at almost 40 my life isn’t wide open. I just feel that every step I take now needs to be meaningful and have a purpose. I’m becoming reclusive. On weekends, I find myself staying in the house to block out any extra noise. Not that I’m withdrawing from people, I just feel as though my focus doesn’t need to be on anything that isn’t a priority. Right now, outside of family and work, I don’t lend everything my attention. I’ve decided that for 2019 I’ll take a long overdue break from social media. Endless scrolling doesn’t feed my mind, as much as I’d tell myself it does. It’s needless; however, I do find interesting topics to write about.

Millions of people out there are having the same thoughts I’m having. Wishing for life to be something; wishing that life wasn’t what it is. As humans, we’re always evolving. There’s always something in our lives that will bring us to the next thing and to the next. I’m unsure if everyone finds their “thing,” their purpose, and lives it out forever. What I do know is that I’m awake, again, and at an ungodly hour, listening to my husband sleep soundly and to the light traffic from outside. This time there’s no wind. I feel less stressed about finding my “thing” or my purpose. I’m settling in to the fact that maybe I have a need to explore my wanderlust.